I am ending this particular journal simply becasue it doesnt make sense to keep it any longer. Beloved has left this earth. *exhales* even typing that gives me pause. i never truly thought that tie would come. I have been released for quite some time - but i always felt like there would come a time where our paths would cross again. and now that time will never be.
The reason for starting this journal was a way for Beloved to see "what the hell was going on in my head" Most of the posts here are private and i doubt i would ever make them public or delete them.
My life has taken many turns since July 14, 2007 and i am grateful for every moment. i am sure that i will begin to blog else where but for now - tis the end.
It’s right around this time of year that I really start to miss my dad! He passed away in January of 1999 – but it was right in October of that year that he started to become really ill and I was traveling back and froth to Texas almost 3-4 times a month. I was his favorite – of course he probably told all four of us the very same thing as the four us pretty much look alike …
My dad was a lover of women and lord did the women love him, so there are 3 mothers to us 4 girls. Not to mention the fact that he was 20 years their senior – probably why I love older men so much. Our ages vary from 50 to 29 and that fact was probably a good thing because I had my daddy all to myself when I was a little girl. He was a “self-employed” plumber so my mom worked most of the time – so when I wasn’t in school I was with my dad. He taught me all about being a woman from buying good bras “so your boobs won’t look like lizard tongues when you are older” to how to change a washer on a sink and mostly how to walk, talk and be a lady… He would have me come and watch football with him because he didn’t want be to grow up and be a pest to my future husband when the game was on.
Things like that kept popping into my head as I walked to my office this morning… and I said out loud – “why am I thinking of you right now”, then it dawned on me, that this happens to me this time of year – it starts to get cold and the melancholy sets in something fierce.
God I wish he was here – to see my children, he would have loved the sasquatch and the domme would have him wrapped around her finger. I wish that he lived to see his much adored Red Sox win the world series twice in four years…I just wish he was here period.
As I sit here typing these words it boggles my mind – how I still mourn the loss of him like it was yesterday.
God I miss him.....
- Current Location:the pit
- Current Mood: melancholy
- Current Music:Sade ~ Pearls
I started talking to Beloved again - well maybe i should say He started talking to me…. Not sure how that happened but it did. Everything just fell right back where it was, He was himself and I was the lil girl again – all yes B, no B, anything You say B…. He gave me a task. You know one of those tasks that make you cringe but you totally do it! Well yeah one of those. Cept the thing is – I didn’t follow through – I got scared as heck, my mind went into overdrive and I rebelled against that beast inside me raging to do his will. B and I have this really strange connection – and if you are not like us, then there is no way to explain it. It is what it is….
- Current Location:in a corner
Yesterday a constable arrived at my office with a subpoena for payroll records. It was for a colleague of mine - One that is apparently going through a horrible divorce. Before I submitted the records over the skeezy lawyer – I had to go in her office and tell what happened. She was out of the office yesterday and had no idea what had transpired. I was so grateful that this constable wasn’t roaming the halls spilling info – but went straight for my office. Office gossip in this place is horrible. No one but she and I know that this man showed up handing over a subpoena with 8 slimy dollars stapled to it.
Being an HR vixen you are privy to just about everything that goes on in an organization – the good and the bad!
- Current Location:The Pit of Despair... cough cough
- Current Mood: sympathetic
- Current Music:Pearls ~ Sade
I am such the sucker.......
Last Friday afternoon – marvelous time of week for this tired cranky girl – getting on the elevator cuz the knee is kicking my butt! Thas what I get for wearing 4 inch heels to a gig on a Thursday night jumping up and down on stage! Was feeling needy that night – so wanted lotz to look at me and marvel at my sopranic vocal skills – lol
Onto the elevator walks this glorious dreadlocked queen – huggs me tightly asking me how I am doing. Oh gosh – I think my smile was 12 miles wide. Hadn’t seen her since the Beat. We talked for a moment and parted to our separate nilla-ish parts of our lives. I cant explain how happy I was to see her. Had to hug her again to get my fix!
Silly silly girl I thought to myself – don’t need to go to
This week and last has been a challenge and a half. The new boss pissed me off to the highest of pisstivity (add that to strama). I drafted this flaming email to him about how I felt about the way he was treating me and I let it marinate in my draft folder for a few days.
Learning still "to act, not react"
- Current Mood: contemplative
- Current Music:U2
I saw her today – on the train – on the way to the slave. She was beautiful this tall brown girl with a soft smile that made me think of
I fell on my steps coming out of my house this morning – yes on the bad knee. I have got to be the clumsiest chick on the planet! I just knelt on the ground and cried at the bottom of the stairs - my knee is all bruised up and it hurts like heck! Work is not going well either! I feel like now is the time to make that move- before its made for me. I walked into my office and booted up my puter and was immediately inundated with foolish emails! I mean is it really necessary to micro-manage EVERY bloody thing!
I missed the BEAT this year – I am kind of sad about that – I’ve heard so many good things about it. Especially Laura Antoniou – I’ve just about read every bloody book she wrote and would have loved to meet her and sit in her workshops – perhaps I’ll get a chance at another venue.
Ahhh well I will be sure to be there next year….
I haven’t talked to the precocious lil girl nor her giant of a master for over a month (after that Hmmm somethings fishy moment) and I am okay with that. I feel bad that she registered me thinking I was going. I suppose I’ll be a good girl and make sure that she gets her money back or maybe purchase her registration elsewhere.
I understood her need to have someone to be there with her – I was lucky to have had family at the time of my first Beat. She had such a difficult time understanding that I was not going to be her sister in submission to the giant that she acted hastily.
It is what it is.
Not sure how long I can wait to be amongst the folks – perhaps Black Rose is in my future – If I can bloody afford it!!!!!
- Current Music:The Whispers....