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The end of a shi-one

The subject sure sounds morbid.  However it is not the end for me simply the end of a name. I was named shi by my former owner.  Ironically i am everything but in some areas of my life in other i am exactly that. 

I am ending this particular journal simply becasue it doesnt make sense to keep it any longer.  Beloved has left this earth.  *exhales* even typing that gives me pause.  i never truly thought that tie would come.  I have been released for quite some time - but i always felt like there would come a time where our paths would cross again.  and now that time will never be. 

The reason for starting this journal was a way for Beloved to see "what the hell was going on in my head"  Most of the posts here are private and i doubt i would ever make them public or delete them.

My life has taken many turns since July 14, 2007 and i am grateful for every moment.    i am sure that i will begin to blog else where but for now - tis the end. 

It’s right around this time of year that I really start to miss my dad! He passed away in January of 1999 – but it was right in October of that year that he started to become really ill and I was traveling back and froth to Texas almost 3-4 times a month.  I was his favorite – of course he probably told all four of us the very same thing as the four us pretty much look alike …


My dad was a lover of women and lord did the women love him, so there are 3 mothers to us 4 girls.  Not to mention the fact that he was 20 years their senior – probably why I love older men so much.  Our ages vary from 50 to 29 and that fact was probably a good thing because I had my daddy all to myself when I was a little girl.  He was a “self-employed” plumber so my mom worked most of the time – so when I wasn’t in school I was with my dad.  He taught me all about being a woman from buying good bras “so your boobs won’t look like lizard tongues when you are older” to how to change a washer on a sink and mostly how to walk, talk and be a lady… He would have me come and watch football with him because he didn’t want be to grow up and be a pest to my future husband when the game was on. 


Things like that kept popping into my head as I walked to my office this morning… and I said out loud – “why am I thinking of you right now”,  then it dawned on me, that this happens to me this time of year – it starts to get cold and the melancholy sets in something fierce.


God I wish he was here – to see my children, he would have loved the sasquatch and the domme would have him wrapped around her finger.  I wish that he lived to see his much adored Red Sox win the world series twice in four years…I just wish he was here period. 


As I sit here typing these words it boggles my mind – how I still mourn the loss of him like it was yesterday.

God I miss him.....



Running like a Mofo.....

I started talking to Beloved again - well maybe i should say He started talking to me….  Not sure how that happened but it did.  Everything just fell right back where it was, He was himself and I was the lil girl again – all yes B, no B, anything You say B….  He gave me a task.  You know one of those tasks that make you cringe but you totally do it!  Well yeah one of those.  Cept the thing is – I didn’t follow through – I got scared as heck, my mind went into overdrive and I rebelled against that beast inside me raging to do his will.  B and I have this really strange connection – and if you are not like us, then there is no way to explain it.  It is what it is….

 B has moved on to create a really lovely family….he collared another lil girl that really meshes well with his alpha… I am happy for him. Woooooooosh didn’t think I could say that – but I am – He has accomplished so much in the past few months and I am really proud of him…..  So whilst I sat there that night, I had all these thought run through my mind: What would they think of me being all subbie and shyte to their Daddy?  What next? Where is this going?  All the while hating my traitorous body for reacting to a mere word from his lips! 

 Uggggghhhh, where in the bloody F is the Calgon……

I hate my job today.......

Being an HR vixen you are privy to just about everything that goes on in an organization – the good and the bad! 

Yesterday a constable arrived at my office with a subpoena for payroll records.   It was for a colleague of mine - One that is apparently going through a horrible divorce.  Before I submitted the records over the skeezy lawyer – I had to go in her office and tell what happened.  She was out of the office yesterday and had no idea what had transpired.  I was so grateful that this constable wasn’t roaming the halls spilling info – but went straight for my office.  Office gossip in this place is horrible.  No one but she and I know that this man showed up handing over a subpoena with 8 slimy dollars stapled to it. 

 She cried when I told her…. Ugggh – she was mortified I almost cried!!!!   She didn’t want anyone to know what was going on  and rightly so - - but it all came tumbling out….  here this woman lost her husband to a woman young enough to be her daughter and her finances are getting picked at when he is the one with the money! – It just stinks… I shut her office door when I left so she could pull herself together – I feel horrible that I had to tell her. I almost wish that I hadn’t…….

I am such the sucker.......

Last Friday afternoon – marvelous time of week for this tired cranky girl – getting on the elevator cuz the knee is kicking my butt! Thas what I get for wearing 4 inch heels to a gig on a Thursday night jumping up and down on stage! Was feeling needy that night – so wanted lotz to look at me and marvel at my sopranic vocal skills – lol


Onto the elevator walks this glorious dreadlocked queen – huggs me tightly asking me how I am doing.  Oh gosh – I think my smile was 12 miles wide.  Hadn’t seen her since the Beat.  We talked for a moment and parted to our separate nilla-ish parts of our lives.  I cant explain how happy I was to see her.  Had to hug her again to get my fix! 


Silly silly girl I thought to myself – don’t need to go to Maryland to be wif  peoples  - they is right here!  Stop hiding and get yer ass out there!

I am learning to swallow my spit....

 This week and last has been a challenge and a half.  The new boss pissed me off to the highest of pisstivity (add that to strama).  I drafted this flaming email to him about how I felt about the way he was treating me and I let it marinate in my draft folder for a few days. 

 This morning I deleted it!  Because after I had calmed my brown tail down – I spoke with him in a very profession good girl way letting him know in so many words that he was wrong.  He apologized and I went on my way – feeling slightly better.

Learning still "to act, not react" 

I saw her today – on the train – on the way to the slave.  She was beautiful this tall brown girl with a soft smile that made me think of Brooklyn

I fell on my steps coming out of my house this morning – yes on the bad knee.  I have got to be the clumsiest chick on the planet!  I just knelt on the ground and cried at the bottom of the stairs - my knee is all bruised up and it hurts like heck!   Work is not going well either! I feel like now is the time to make that move- before its made for me.  I walked into my office and booted up my puter and was immediately inundated with foolish emails!  I mean is it really necessary to micro-manage EVERY bloody thing!

 I feel like all these things are happening around me and my hands can’t grasp any of them.  I suppose its all part of coming off a month ½ medical leave. But Damn I know my job – tis why I am where I am and now the freakin mother-father of a man is doubting my ability to put a bloody comma in a sentence – uggggghhhh! 

 I need a vacation quick!  Just me and a good book and a potent fruity concoction on some sand somewhere. Oh and perhaps a flogger toting leather daddy to keep me company.  Yes I know the daddy would be sweating in leather on the sand – but it’s my dream Damnit!


The Beat went on without me.....

I missed the BEAT this year – I am kind of sad about that – I’ve heard so many good things about it.  Especially Laura Antoniou – I’ve just about read every bloody book she wrote and would have loved to meet her and sit in her workshops – perhaps I’ll get a chance at another venue.


Ahhh well I will be sure to be there next year….

I haven’t talked to the precocious lil girl nor her giant of a master for over a month (after that Hmmm somethings fishy moment) and I am okay with that.  I feel bad that she registered me thinking I was going.  I suppose I’ll be a good girl and make sure that she gets her money back or maybe purchase her registration elsewhere. 

I understood her need to have someone to be there with her – I was lucky to have had family at the time of my first Beat.  She had such a difficult time understanding that I was not going to be her sister in submission to the giant that she acted hastily.

It is what it is.

Not sure how long I can wait to be amongst the folks – perhaps Black Rose is in my future – If I can bloody afford it!!!!!